"Mine"

I'm currently backing up my computer because I literally have no space left. And I found a file in "My Old Documents" in a folder labeled Fall 2006.

And I knew what was in the Word file labeled "Mine". I knew what it was. It was the first time you told me you loved me. You couldn't say it out loud, so you had to type it on my computer. But I wanted to look at it, because I had no idea what else it said. Oh December 8, 2006 - you made me a very happy, lucky, loved girl that day.

So here it is, in all its glory:

I’m pretty much in love with you, yeah, I said it, and there is nothing you can do that will make that not happen…so enough with the sad talk. You are amazing and you know it. Stop being so hard on yourself.

I obviously did a lot to make that not happen. And I'm apparently not all that amazing to you anymore.

But its okay. It made me smile when I read it. And it made me miss you - well, you then. I don't miss you now.

I'm sure you've figured out that I've cut off twitter. I just can't see your posts anymore. They make me feel badly. And I already feel bad enough all on my own. I'm tired of hurting. Because I hurt all of the time. Awake, sleeping, busy, bored - my mind never stops thinking about you. You are so salient in everything I do and it is driving me insane. I have to stop. This is never going to happen because you're never going to figure it out. And I need to stop pining over the pain and the loss and all of the love I still hold in my heart for you. I need to move on, and I can't do that when you keep capitalizing on my weakness. You know that I'll keep coming back, and you know that I want to be a good friend to you, and you calling me and sending me messages and commenting on stuff makes me hurt so much. So, I have to be done. I spent 3 years hoping you'd come around and finally want me for good. And I think I'm done hoping. My hope is gone. You've worn me out and used me up. I'm broken, but I'll figure it out.

If you do decide sometime in the near future that you've gotten through all of your personal issues and you're finally ready to do this with me, let me know. But until then, I'm bowing out, I'm tapping out, I'm folding.

You win.

Not Fair!

You can't even make up your mind in my dreams. Wherever you were living I had moved there for a temporary job and was staying with you until I could find my own place. You had the day off - so you decided to have a party at your apartment and keep me up all night. I woke up eventually and let you have it. I told you off for many reasons. Called you selfish, egotistical, cold, and narcissistic. I don't remember what you said exactly, but you did apologize and you said that you didn't want to be in a relationship with me and gave me a hug.

Then for some reason I wasn't living there anymore, I was back here in the Midwest. I got a letter from you saying how much you missed me and I thought to myself - REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

And then I told you too effing bad.

Even in my dreams you can't make up your mind. And I REALLY hate that I couldn't get away from you even in my subconscious. It's not fair. And I'm going to keep going back to the HIMYM quote that you obviously aren't getting.

"I did what anybody with someone on the hook should do; I broke her heart."

On a separate note - you keep playing Buble's song "Just Haven't Met You Yet". Thats fine if you don't think you've met her yet... cause I'm still holding out hope that there has to be something better [however, I know that you could be the better - but you have to decide that you're the better and stop being an asshole to me... but I'm not holding out for that - its been 3 years now with no end in sight]. Here's the thing though - those girls that will put up with your bullshit and neuroses you won't want around; and the girls that are worth your time will figure out eventually to run in the other direction as fast and as far as they can.

I'm just saying.

You don't bother to take my feelings into account and to not fuck with my mind so I'm just returning the courtesies you've shown me.

I still hold true to what I told you before - you need to go see a therapist. Seriously. You have gone down such a dark and steep slope since I met you its absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea who you are, and I don't think you do either. You are so confused and unhappy it has consumed you. BE PROACTIVE! You know what used to make you happy. Get back there. You're so much more enjoyable when you're not being an asshole.

You Know Whats Really Awesome?

Disclaimer - if YOU [EW] are reading this, you need to start with the first post if you haven't already done so. Work in chronological order from oldest to newest. That is all.

You know whats really awesome?

I now have it down to a science of getting over all of the psychological bullshit you put me through.

And, even better than that, I've trimmed down the time period of me being a crazy, dumbass, pathetic 'girl' that is stupidly head over heels for a boy that has been stringing her along for FAR too long.

Instead of being sick for months, even YEARS, about the shit you do, it took me less than a month this time. Ever since I got all of that shit off my chest a week or 2 ago, I haven't thought one more minute about it.

I don't NEED you. I want you, but I sure as hell don't need you. And I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than alone and hoping someday you'll get it through your thick skull what you're missing out on.

So, I think I'm okay with you missing out. I deserve to be with someone who doesn't have a doubt in the back of their mind that where I am is where they should be. And you are obviously riddled with doubt. And then that means you don't really love me as much as you say you do. Which sucks, but I guess I'll get over it. The moral of the story is - either shit or get off the pot.

So cucukachoo, Mr. Robinson.

Things I've thought about since Vegas...

Disclaimer:

This blog is a way for me to vent all of the things I think about you. Telling you over the phone made me hysterical for over a week because I didn't get any sort of response from you. So, right now I don't want to tell you in person and I don't want to just send you messages telling you these things - thats not really fair to you. So, should you stumble upon this - these aren't super harsh, but not all of them are really nice either. So, you should read these when you're in the mood. I'll probably post any crazy thought I have on here about you. Dreams, ideas, plans for the future, etc. I need an outlet. And I'd like you to know all of the things I think about for you and for us. I think its important. I want you to be part of my life - so here is the first step I'm taking.

0 parts trying to upset you, 50 parts trying to get you to think and change your mind, 50 parts all of my love.

1)You liking the landscape of Vegas doesn't make sense to me:

-You don't like doing ANYTHING outdoorsy! I asked you to go hiking and you said that you don't "do" things. Fine - then what the hell does it matter if you live where there are mountains and a climate where you can go do outdoor things year round?

-Going on vacation won't be special if you live somewhere that is a cool place to vacation to. Palm trees won't have that extra "wow - I'm somewhere exotic and warm!" and living in warm weather year round will take away the appreciation for vacationing to warm destinations. Also, Vegas will never be a super fun, awesome place for you to visit anymore. It will be like - oh, vegas, I've lived there. No big whoop.

Sure its pretty and I'm sure you like looking at the mountains and palm trees on your way to and from work, who wouldn't? - but whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. Weaksauce for why you're there.

2) Whats the point of living somewhere pretty if there aren't people that you want to share the prettiness with? I mean, sure, you've got a few people that you're friends with - but they are only friends because you don't have any other way to socialize. They aren't your real friends. In fact, you're missing out on HUGE events in your friend's lives because you moved somewhere so incredibly far away and then had to take a job out of desperation with a shitty schedule?

Seriously, are you not upset that you are going to miss out on some of your closest friends' weddings? I'm not saying you need to live in Michigan, but even within a 400 mile radius would be do-able - you wouldn't have to miss these events. I think that sucks.

3) Are you even happy out there? You spend all of your free time playing video games - and then when you do socialize, you complain about it most of the time. So, what are you doing there? Did you think running away and being physically far from your "problems" would fix your situation?

4) I'm glad you like your job. But you could do that job anywhere. And while I know you need that job right now - you're too smart. Lets get you an education in something that I know would make you happy. Lets get you on track for a career you'd LOVE... not just a job you're settling for.

5) I feel like you would make the excuse that "I don't want to live in _______" no matter where I was living. It just gives you an easy excuse right now. However, who gives a shit where you live if you're with someone you love? I would move to Iraq if it meant I could be with you. [and Iraq is probably one of the shittiest places to live]

6) And probably most important - you said you didn't think either one of us should have to wait around until I was done with school.

Are you an idiot?! Have you already forgotten what 9 months with complete absence of me in your life was like? If ever got a boyfriend here, and if things were to ever get serious - you would no longer be a part of my life. I love you way too much, and if I was going to make it work with someone else, you couldn't be in my life. Same goes for you, I couldn't be a part of your life if you had another girlfriend. I couldn't handle it.

So, do you really think you would want me gone from your life, for good?

It makes me wonder though if I did get a new boyfriend if you would finally decide (like you did last time) that no one should have me but you and that you were willing to fight for the awesomeness that is you and me... cause if it will make you fight for this again - I'll have a new boyfriend in the next five minutes. Guaranteed.

And how could you go from being able to move somewhere to be with me [mt pleasant - of all of the places I've lived that was the LAMEST BY FAR - and you won't move to a HUGE city just because its in lame ass Ohio] to not even considering it?

7) And maybe even more important than the point before - What are you waiting for? Life could end for either one of us at any minute. If I died tomorrow - would you be okay with how you treated me? With not being strong and doing what you really want to do but are too afraid to do? Of loving me and not showing me that love, of not being with me physically, of not putting in the extra time and effort to make it work?

Life is too short to be afraid of doing something bold and not letting the people you love in to help you. Let me love you. Stop being afraid of how strong this was and could be again.

8) I'm not surprised that you're afraid of this. All the relationships/marriages you've been around your entire life have been pretty screwed up. Your parents are bi-polar with their relationship. Your sister and Josh are absolutely ridiculous, unhealthy, and not normal. Your aunts and uncles - divorce, coming out of the closet, matching braces and clothes [sick].

I get it, my parents are the most volatile relationship I've ever personally witnessed- and their relationship has jaded me at how a marriage works. Same with my Aunt and Uncle. They go weeks sometimes without talking because he's giving her the silent treatment. But over the past year or two, I've realized it doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that. And there are plenty of couples I've seen that ARE happy, and they have been for years. Its all what you make of it. And I would do everything in my power and ability to make our relationship easy and as conflict free as possible. I'm not saying that we won't ever argue - because we will. We're both strong willed and quite frankly, disagreeing and arguing is healthy. But, it doesn't have to be the nasty and pointless shit we used to get into. I'd like to think I'm not petty about things anymore - and I KNOW that I don't let a lot of little things that don't matter bother me.

I'll end with this for now - Whats the point of not trying it? Either we keep doing this back and forth thing - where you keep changing your mind about whether you love me and can't live without me or you being so scared to be vulnerable with me that you run me off and tell me you never want to talk to me again.

So, we keep doing this in love then hurt thing that keeps repeating the same damn, worn out cycle. Or we do the in love thing. And if it doesn't work out [which I highly doubt since its been 3 years now and we still can't get over each other] then we only have to hurt once.

But I'm done with the hurt thing. I'm not letting you play the same games you've been playing for 3 years now. I'm getting older, so are you. I want this to work. I need you in my life. I need you here for me. I need your support, your love, your companionship; I need you to keep me stable.

I need you.