"Mine"

I'm currently backing up my computer because I literally have no space left. And I found a file in "My Old Documents" in a folder labeled Fall 2006.

And I knew what was in the Word file labeled "Mine". I knew what it was. It was the first time you told me you loved me. You couldn't say it out loud, so you had to type it on my computer. But I wanted to look at it, because I had no idea what else it said. Oh December 8, 2006 - you made me a very happy, lucky, loved girl that day.

So here it is, in all its glory:

I’m pretty much in love with you, yeah, I said it, and there is nothing you can do that will make that not happen…so enough with the sad talk. You are amazing and you know it. Stop being so hard on yourself.

I obviously did a lot to make that not happen. And I'm apparently not all that amazing to you anymore.

But its okay. It made me smile when I read it. And it made me miss you - well, you then. I don't miss you now.

I'm sure you've figured out that I've cut off twitter. I just can't see your posts anymore. They make me feel badly. And I already feel bad enough all on my own. I'm tired of hurting. Because I hurt all of the time. Awake, sleeping, busy, bored - my mind never stops thinking about you. You are so salient in everything I do and it is driving me insane. I have to stop. This is never going to happen because you're never going to figure it out. And I need to stop pining over the pain and the loss and all of the love I still hold in my heart for you. I need to move on, and I can't do that when you keep capitalizing on my weakness. You know that I'll keep coming back, and you know that I want to be a good friend to you, and you calling me and sending me messages and commenting on stuff makes me hurt so much. So, I have to be done. I spent 3 years hoping you'd come around and finally want me for good. And I think I'm done hoping. My hope is gone. You've worn me out and used me up. I'm broken, but I'll figure it out.

If you do decide sometime in the near future that you've gotten through all of your personal issues and you're finally ready to do this with me, let me know. But until then, I'm bowing out, I'm tapping out, I'm folding.

You win.

Not Fair!

You can't even make up your mind in my dreams. Wherever you were living I had moved there for a temporary job and was staying with you until I could find my own place. You had the day off - so you decided to have a party at your apartment and keep me up all night. I woke up eventually and let you have it. I told you off for many reasons. Called you selfish, egotistical, cold, and narcissistic. I don't remember what you said exactly, but you did apologize and you said that you didn't want to be in a relationship with me and gave me a hug.

Then for some reason I wasn't living there anymore, I was back here in the Midwest. I got a letter from you saying how much you missed me and I thought to myself - REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

And then I told you too effing bad.

Even in my dreams you can't make up your mind. And I REALLY hate that I couldn't get away from you even in my subconscious. It's not fair. And I'm going to keep going back to the HIMYM quote that you obviously aren't getting.

"I did what anybody with someone on the hook should do; I broke her heart."

On a separate note - you keep playing Buble's song "Just Haven't Met You Yet". Thats fine if you don't think you've met her yet... cause I'm still holding out hope that there has to be something better [however, I know that you could be the better - but you have to decide that you're the better and stop being an asshole to me... but I'm not holding out for that - its been 3 years now with no end in sight]. Here's the thing though - those girls that will put up with your bullshit and neuroses you won't want around; and the girls that are worth your time will figure out eventually to run in the other direction as fast and as far as they can.

I'm just saying.

You don't bother to take my feelings into account and to not fuck with my mind so I'm just returning the courtesies you've shown me.

I still hold true to what I told you before - you need to go see a therapist. Seriously. You have gone down such a dark and steep slope since I met you its absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea who you are, and I don't think you do either. You are so confused and unhappy it has consumed you. BE PROACTIVE! You know what used to make you happy. Get back there. You're so much more enjoyable when you're not being an asshole.